Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Let me know that You hear me

Let me know Your touch

Let me know that You love me

Let that be enough.


I like this. I think it is a simple prayer that we continually pray whether we realize it or not. We just want some sign, some notion, that God has not forgotten us. That he hears our crys, our laughs, and our tears and is still mindful of them. And that the idea that he DOES recognize us and our silly human needs- that that bring peace to our hearts, ease our souls, and satisfy our unnatural yearning.

Its simple, but in any and every circumstance in life- it pretty much sums it up.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Merry Christmas, RN

I've decided I really am not so much of a fan of being in healthcare or being a nurse during Christmas. In oncology, sadly there's usually more bad news than good news. And on my unit, I just can't stand the thought of these patients being away from their families on the holidays.

I lost my grandfather Tuesday before last Christmas (08). So I have dealt with death around Christmas, and I know it is not fun- but it is especially not fun to be on the outside looking in on a family receiving news that their family member may not live to see the holidays, or much long after. What is it like to have the knowledge in your head that this will be your last christmas on earth? Is it scary, peaceful, or do you even feel anything when you're given that kind of news?

I guess all I can say is that, For those who experience loss, remember loved ones who have passed, or spend the holidays by a hospital bed, my heart goes out to you and I hope you find peace during such a hard time.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

finding the beautiful

Over the past year, I look back and the only thought that really comes to my head is "Is it really already December?"
A quick recap on my 2009:

January I have just graduated nursing school, I spend the first few weeks nervously studying for my NCLEX, planning my wedding, and I have started working for my dad, a CPA- something so far from my degree its not even funny. I turn 22. I pass my boards, go on an interview in Winston Salem, NC at Baptist Hospital (a city I know nothing of but for whatever reason have chosen with John to move to after our wedding). I accept a job as a nurse on an oncology unit. The end.

February I continue working, nothing too exciting- wedding plans, saving money, long distance engagement- lots of excitement, stress, and unknown. At this time we still haven't found a place to live.
March- wedding showers galore, wedding presents galore, thank you cards galore.

April We find a place and move in the WEEKEND before we get married. Nothing like waiting till the last minute, right?! ( Oh and did I mention I spent lots of time over the past few months saying "okay God, whenever you're ready you can send us a house!" And He constantly reminded me that everything in life is done in His own timing. When He is good and ready- not me.) Patience Katie, patience. We get married in a beautiful ceremony on April 25, spend one beautiful week in St Lucia, I have one beautiful week to get our house in order and I start my first real big girl job as a nurse.

May to Present am still trying to find confidence in my role as a nurse, learning, studying, caring for my sweet sweet patients. And all the while trying to settle into a new life, find a new church, meet new friends (or connect with the few I know in the area), learn to live on a budget since John was laid off prior to our wedding. I go through an amazing amount of emotions. Some days I feel content, sometimes I'm restless, sometimes I'm searching, sometimes I find, most of the time I'm trying to be patient. Which to be honest, when I look back on my life that is something that for 22 years now God has been trying to teach me, oh when will I learn?

December Our first Christmas together with our puppy (our child) as a family, and with the new year will come an entire new set of challenges, questions and searching for the next step to take in life. Honestly, haven't I taken enough steps for now? But no, I've learned that when you graduate college and they say "your whole life is ahead of you, the world is at your feet" they fail to mention the becoming an adult and productive member of society does not happen without its fair share of bumps and bruises along the way. Its stressful, its exciting, sometimes painful, sometimes so wonderful you can't even describe the joy that comes. But most of all, it is constant change, and constant readjustment, and a constant "period of transition".
Does life ever settle down? Maybe thats the point- what kind of life is a life that settles?

As I begin to find my way and feel a little bit more at ease with the amazing amount of change that has taken place in my life and the unknown path that God will lead me down in the future- I have to remind myself- this is my life, it is the only one I will get on this earth so while I am here I must find every moment and soak it in. I have to remember to take every experience that comes at me and learn from them, become better from them and always have always have the goal to live life to its absolute full just as Christ planned (John 10:10). I have to remember to love my husband and family with my entire being, to the tips of my toes. To be the best wife to John, the best mother to my future children, and the best friend to those around me. To know what true joy is, to think with my heart more, and to speak with my heart always. And I have to find life's beauty, in a world that is sometime so very ugly. I must find the beauty.

"You were given life, it is your duty (also your entitlement as a human being) to find something
beautiful within life"
-Elizabeth Gilbert Eat Pray Love

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