Sunday, March 14, 2010


Prior to writing this I feel like I should say I'm sorry if my posts seem to say the same things, or discuss the same issues I am facing in life currently- but all that to say this is a process, and a journey, and while it is a different day with the same struggles, the Lord is teaching me different things each day about my outlook on life and the current situation I am in. While previous posts may have said similar things- this post is different to me. My heart finally gets it. You know those moments where your mind and heart finally click? This is it.

I think that my entire life I have been a child that very much liked to stay in my "comfort zone." I like routine, I like the same things, I like my friends and family and I like to be comfortable. I come by this naturally to say the least, not only is my mom this way, but I think that generally speaking- the American population lives this way. And lets face it the past couple years in the United States have been nothing but uncomfortable.

For whatever reason, over the past year of my life I have had nothing but change as you know. And while my outside world is completely out of my comfort zone, my insides are screaming and thinking of everyway possible to get just a hair closer to "what my life used to be like." Well lets face it, when you sign up for marriage, adulthood, and life post-college it pretty much means you've signed up to say goodbye to the way it was. In my mind moving back east, John getting a job, us having a nicer home, yada yada yada...all of these things would make me more "comfortable", more at ease with life.

I have been reminded tonight that when I decided to be a Christian, that is when I signed up to live my life uncomfortably. That God would continue to mold me and make me into His own and that nothing in my world would ever reflect that which I had envisioned for myself. Because no plan of my own would come close to the one He has written for me. (Why I find this surprising I don't know, because all of my life has been this way to this point....all one big journey that I didn't plan for.)

I read a blog called "the Journey" which is written by a girl named Katie, in her early 20s, who was called to move to Uganda, and adopt 14 children. Talk about uncomfortable. But that is what following the Lord means, it means giving up everything, letting go of everything and saying that no matter what, I will go the way He leads.

Over the past few weeks, I have become increasingly frustrated with the fact that we are approaching the one year anniversary of John's unemployment. And to be honest, neither one of us ever thought that we would see this day. We thought we'd be a two income household months ago. But the fact of the matter is that we are not, and as much as I tell myself that "oh we're okay, we have enough, we are fortunate compared to the rest of the world," and as true as all of those sentiments are, my heart just hadn't believed it yet. It was a facade, an act to pretend like I was okay with this situation I was living in. When the truth of the matter is I was frustrated, some days angry, some days resentful, and somedays depressed about it. I wanted to live more comfortably.

But tonight, as I read a post on Katie (in Uganda)'s blog about her emotions and the story of her being called to Uganda, I think it finally connected with my heart where I am in life right now. Exactly where I need to be.

Although I do not understand it yet, and I may never, John and I are exactly where we need to be. And as hard as it has been, there is a peace in realizing that finally. I was called to be a nurse. I was called to care for people. I was called to be a wife. and I was called to be a daughter of my Heavenly Father. Where I do these things is not the issue, and having money is not the issue. Following the Lord is the issue. And for the most part, everytime I've followed Him, it has made me go outside my comfort zone. So I am considering this stage a blessing, because my feelings of inadequacy, awkwardness, and uncertainty means that I have done one thing right in my life- I have followed the Lord when He has said to go.

As John and I approach our first anniversary of our wedding, I pray that we find encouragement in each other when the world around us is rather discouraging. I pray that we find contentment in knowing that we are being provided for in every aspect and are perfectly cared for by His Grace. I pray that we keep our eyes on the ultimate prize- and that we grow and learn through this stage. I pray for our attitudes that we are not easily discouraged or frustrated by the situation we are in, and that ultimately, we are happy (John 10:10 happy) with all that we have.

I also pray for Katie in Uganda, who my heart goes out to. For anyone interested in reading her blog it is and I highly recommend it- it is amazing what she is doing.

I will praise the Lord, o my soul; all my inmost being, praise His Holy Name
Praise the Lord, o my soul and forget not all His benefits
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.
-Psalm 103

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