Monday, June 14, 2010

Restless.

Lately, it has been weighing on my heart that I have an intense calling, that in my opinion is not being filled right now, and on the other hand I have an intense calling that is completely being filled right now. Let me explain.
When I was in middle school, high school and even college, I began going on mission trips inside the country first, and then outside the country, and my heart fell in love. My heart and my soul was made for mission work. Which is pretty much the sole reason I became a nurse. What better way to serve the Lord than while helping give medical care to those who cannot recieve it. In college I persued my career in nursing following what I felt the Lord was calling me to do.
In that time I met John, fell in love, and we got married. Part of me says that if I was not married, I would be living in Africa- but I'm not in charge, and my God knew the other passion of my heart- which was to be a wife and eventually a mother. What do you do when it seems that your two callings cannot co-exist together? It has been over 4 years since I have done a mission trip- and it seems like all around me people/friends/coworkers are going on their adventures, serving...and I am here, in North Carolina. Maybe the Lord is preparing me for something greater- maybe my opportunity has not come along yet- but can I tell you how frustrating it is to watch everyone else come and go and me to be still here? Then I think, well, maybe there's a way to serve here- but for whatever reason those doors have yet to be opened, and I cannot get my feet back into missions no matter how hard I try.
Dont' get me wrong- I feel like I have an incredible life- I have a sweet husband who loves me so much, a great home, a great job with great patients that I get to love on everyday to the best of my ability. But there is something that is missing. There is that part of my soul that was called so many years ago to GO and SERVE. And I cannot help but be heartbroken that my chance has not come yet for met to do that. I am restless, and unsettled- and just know deep down that I was meant to do more than just work three days a week at Baptist Hospital and be 'comfortable' in my life, spending my money on only things that bring me better, nicer things- I took up this career for the skills that it gave me, the schedule flexibility, and the sheer fact that I knew, the Lord would use it to further his kingdom. And I know he is in Baptist Hospital- but I sure wish he would in the Dominican, in Africa, in Mexico, in the US, anywhere. I guess I just need to be reminded that He's still fulfilling his purpose and plan in me even when I don't necessarily feel it or see it. I just need a reminder.

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Proverbs 16:3


"If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and
satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10

"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21


On that note, I've began reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan...and so far so good. I've had several friends read it and quote it and decided maybe it was something worth picking up- so I'll let you know. :)

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