Thursday, June 30, 2011

provision.

{All day long, I pour out, filling each one of these children of mine up. I do this over and over again from sunrise to sunset, and some days, even beyond and into the night. Every mother does. This is the calling. This is the requirement of a good mother. And each one of them, blessed and cursed with various personality traits, ingrained deep through. There’s one of them that is never full.  This one needs more than I feel capable of giving some days. And while I still nurse my own old wounds of rejection, I fear all of the time that if I can’t fill him up, I am wounding.  This mother’s heart is constantly laid out; it gets stepped on and worn through. The fabric of it gets stretched and frayed and some days, like an old worn carpet, all dirt flecked and spotted with mud stains...
...He empties himself out again and again, that we might gain a heart that bursts with abundance, that we might learn to keep giving, out of what we don’t have, trusting that Abba provides.
-Kris Camealy (Incourage.me)}

I don't yet have ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes that depend on me for its every need, but those days are not far off. Despite that, I can relate to this. I can relate to giving, and needing to be provided for.  
I can relate to the searching for something, anything, to pick me back up and help me move forward with each day. So what a sweet reminder it is that He empties himself out for me each and every day. One of my favorite verses is from Lamentations that says ...His mercies are new every morning....

What a beautiful promise.

You can read Kris' full post at incourage.me by clicking this link.



Monday, June 27, 2011

continuing to count….

Monday 6/20-Sunday 6/26

598. for a new nursing extern to work with for the next 5 weeks.
599. for energy levels and appetite returning
600. for learning at a young age how to deal with harder times in life
601. lunch and errands with mom and dad…seeing their excitement about being grandparents
602. learning photography from my dad…
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603. my mom’s green thumb, and the appreciation for gardening that she’s given me
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604. for flowers – day lily’s and hibiscus (pictures from my parents and my yard)
605. for the therapy that the outdoors provides
606. for naps with Josie- she snuggles so well.
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607. picking wild blackberries with John
608. summertime in the south- the simple joys and simple living
609. front porch sitting
610. for John putting up with my nesting instinct and helping me get the house ready for baby
611. watching the sun go down from the front porch
612. movie night, the three of us (John, me and Josie) curled up watching Marley and Me.


Let everything that has breath praise the Lord….-Psalm 150:6

Thursday, June 23, 2011

summer blooms…


okay…I have a confession. not ALL of these flowers are grown in my yard. We rent, you think I’m making a rent house yard have these lush blooms? My blooms stay in pots, so I can move them with me when I move out! I was at my parents house yesterday visiting and took the opportunity to snap some shots with my macro lens and get a quick lesson from my dad. Mom has a beautiful backyard full of gorgeous flowers…perfect for some flower photography!

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I cant remember which this one is…maybe a begonia?
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peach day lily
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day lily
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day lily
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day lily
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calla lily bloom
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calla lily
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purple black eyed susan
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different day lily than above…but I love the ruffle petals!
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coral colored hibiscus
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hibiscus bloom closed up
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pink gerbera (this one’s from my house!)
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zinnia…another one from my house
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zinnia

a thousand gifts…

Monday 6/13- Sunday 6/19
584. for the sweetest old man who I got to pick back and for with all day at work
585. my 15 week appointment on Wednesday, getting to hear that sweet heartbeat again.
589. the gift of a happy health pregnancy, and hopefully the happiest healthiest baby
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15 week picture :)
590. surviving my first day as charge nurse- and not doing half bad!
591. lunch at the best BBQ restaurant with John
592. a quick cruise on the lake before the storm rolled in
593. having fun with John- the blessing of our marriage, how comfortable we are together
594. for my dad on Father’s day….the man who watched Gilligans Island with me every morning before school, took me to baseball games and let me ride home on his shoulders walking home, woke up with me at the crack of dawn for all my softball tournaments and took all my wild pitches to the shins; Who taught me, loved me, encouraged me, and coached me through life no matter how hard headed I was; who walked me down the aisle and is going to be such an amazing grandfather this December to my baby.
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595. for the College World Series- I love college baseball
596. for the father my husband will be
597. for my heavenly Father, His love never runs out.

Friday, June 10, 2011

to see...



"How I want to see the weight of glory break my thick scales, the weight of glory smash the chains of desperate materialism, split the numbing shell of deadening entertainment, bust up the ice of catatonic hearts.

I want to see God,
who pulls on the coat of my skin and doesn't leave me alone in this withering body of mortality;

I want to see God,
 who gives gifts in hospitals, and gravesides and homeless shelters and refugee camps
and in rain falling on sunflowers
and stars falling over hayfields
 and silver scales glinting upriver
and sewage flowing downriver.

Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I really want to see..."
-Ann Voskamp



Monday, June 6, 2011

picking back up

Monday 5/30
532. a beautiful memorial day spent on the lake with John and Josie
532. summer sun

Tuesday 5/31
533. for smart RN’s and MD’s that join in to help when a patient is unresponsive
534. surviving my first code situation and intubation
535. Jennifer being back at work after maternity leave!
536. friends at work to share in baby excitement

Wednesday 6/1
537. for Kelly helping me when I was swamped
538. for a boss that backs me up
539. for a husband that is strong for me when I am so weak
540. for trying to give the situation that I am currently in to God, and trying to remember that He is in control even when I can’t understand what’s going on in my life.
541. for healing tears
Thursday 6/2
542. a family that supports me so much, for my mom, dad, and sister.
543. a fresh haircut
544. daydreaming about the nursery for our little one

Friday 6/3
545. homegrown garden veggies for supper each night this week

Saturday 6/4
546. for Sarah and her sweet friendship
547. for picking myself back up…one step at a time
548. eucharisteo always precedes the miracle…
549. the ability to truly talk to John and just have him hold my hand and listen
550. for the brokenness

Sunday 6/5
551. for Cindy and her crazy ability to start IV’s on even the hardest patients
552. for a day without tears…each day gets better
553. that my strength is not my own, that He works through the weakness
554. For John, cleaning the house and cooking dinner for me this weekend
555. for a  new lily, and fresh flowers planted around the mailbox to surprise me when I got home
556. sound sleep…ready for Monday to find the beauty and keep going.

Friday, June 3, 2011

lets be honest...

Sometimes, and more times than not lately, I feel like I get to a point where I simply cannot handle anything else that life throws at me. I cannot take another stressor, another something that I have to "deal" with. Just when my soul comes to a place of peace, another storm rolls in and breaks me down once again. I am breaking. And I am not quite sure how to get out of this broken phase.

I am estatic about my pregnancy, and I cannot wait to hold my little one this Christmas when its cold outside. And truly, that is the only thing that I can think about right now to get me through the rest of the chaos that is my life.

For the first time, I have experienced anger towards God. For the first time, I have questioned if He truly is taking care of me and my heart. And for the first time, I have thrown my hands up and said....I give up.

And maybe thats the first step...giving up. Letting go. Surrendering.

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