Wednesday, August 10, 2011

my weakness, His strength.

Here’s the funny thing that I learned about vacations. They’re not really vacations. We go on them, and expect them to "cure" us of our issues in life, to clear our heads, and to just…well…”vacate” ourselves from everyday life. And for 7 short days they are typically pretty successful in doing those things. While you’re away, life is better. Life has no worries. No work, no stress, no job problems, no family problems. Things seem perfect. Until you come home, and Monday morning rolls around, and you get your big ol dose of reality running at you full steam ahead.

For the past couple months I’ve been dealing with a lot of frustration and just pure anger sometimes towards some present situations in my life. And let me tell you, it has been SO stinking hard to deal with. I am normally a person that is very upbeat, positive, and can take the stones life throws at me in stride, knowing it is always temporary. However, in the past few months, God has thrown me some boulders, that I’m struggling to handle, struggling to see around, and struggling to get past. I felt great on vacation, and just like clockwork, our car pulled back into our driveway, and God brings me on back to reality.

Without getting into too much detail regarding my “situation,” I can tell you that there are several huge factors in my life that I feel need to change, yet are completely out of my control to change. For instance, my husband needs a new job. We both commute near an hour or so to work, in opposite directions, so there is no hope of us settling down in either location because they are so far apart. I want to have a home to call home for my child, and a church to call home for my family, and right now- neither can really happen because we have no “home.” We have a rent house, and we drive 30 minutes to a church we have been visiting for over a year, unsure of if we should make a commitment or not due to our uncertainty of where we will settle. It sounds silly, but after 4 years of college and constant moves during those 4 years, and now 2 years and 2 moves into our marriage...I'm ready to have a home....correction, I've BEEN ready for us to have a place to call home.

Then, there are some more deep, personal issues that struggle with. We live right down the road from my husbands family. My sister in law is expecting her 2nd child about six weeks after me, and let just say, I’ve had a hard time adjusting to everything. The ugly, selfish, unloving side of me has come out far more than I'd like it to. I feel terrible saying that, because I feel like I should be happy and loving and thankful. But sometimes, I feel frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed.

I constantly try to keep things in perspective, for instance with my husbands job, I am constantly thankful that we HAVE two incomes in our household, which is a blessing in the current economy. And a huge blessing for us since we DID experience a year of unemployment. I am thankful that we have loving family around us that would do just about anything for us and will be there for us while we welcome our baby into the world.  I know that in comparison to many people in this world I live a wealthy life, I have food and shelter and a safe place to lay my head, and that speaks volumes.
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And then those ugly feelings creep back into my heart.

How do you get to a point of peace, when nothing in your life feels peaceful? How do you live out of grace and love when your at your core you feel like  a two year old having a tantrum on the floor, resisting what is going on around you? How do you love those that are so difficult to love?

I’m not sure, and I really don’t have all the answers as this is a battle I am sure I will not cure overnight and will continue to deal with. But, I know I am in His hands, I know He is at work in my life, in my husbands life, and in our child’s precious life. I know that if I am continually seeking Him, and asking Him to intervene, He will provide for my soul exactly what I need, when I need it.

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Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
   My grace is enough; it's all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)

1 comment:

  1. I feel like I could have written this post. Our situations aren't exactly the same, but our frustrations sound similar. I am having a harder time that usual letting go of my stress and frustration right now. I know in my heart that God wants to take it all on for me, but boy is my brain stubborn these days. *sigh* Thank you for the reminder of this passage though. If you ever need to chat, I believe you have my email :)

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