I couldn’t sleep last night. I laid awake watching the minutes pass, knowing I should be trying to sleep before Landon woke up. But I couldn’t. From the day he was born, I have been consumed with anxiety. I’m not anxious about the new mom things like SIDS, or flat head syndrome, or some other thing that could be “wrong” with my child. No, I’m anxious about March 12th. The day I have to return to work. I have dreaded the day, even before he was born. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to wake up at 4am and become that sleep deprived mama that feels like she can’t function during the day. I don’t want to go to work for 12 hours and be away from my baby from 5:30am to 8pm, three days a week. I don’t want to leave him with this lady, even though I know she is capable of taking care of him. I don’t want there to be other children at her house, because I’m afraid he won’t get the one on one attention he needs. I’m afraid that if he doesn’t sleep well or take a bottle well, she will tell us he is too much to handle. I’m worried if he cries too much, she will get frustrated and won’t know how to soothe him. I’m afraid she won’t want to hassle with unthawing breast milk, giving him gas drops or reflux medicine, or washing a bottle. I know these are silly fears- she is the sweetest lady, and keeps two kids perfectly fine already…but she doesn’t keep my baby. And in my mind, he is the only one that matters. The truth is, I would be concerned regardless of who kept him.
I want to stay home with him. I want to be there and make sure he is taken care of by me. I want to be the one that teaches him to nap well, and take bottles well, and play well. I don’t want to miss any moments, and it absolutely tears me apart thinking that I will. I worry that my 12 hour shifts will wear me out to the point that I will be worthless to him when I come home. I worry I won’t be able to keep up with my mama duties, and even more my wife duties. Will John be neglected, will my marriage suffer? These are the things I am anxious about. These are the things I pray over. These are the things I NEED peace over.
We have been in constant prayer for the past three years that the Lord would provide John a job that is closer to home so he can get home sooner. And now, we pray for one that would allow me to be a stay at home mom. I love my job, and my patients, and what I do for a living- but this little guy means more, and I feel this intense need to be with him longer than my twelve weeks of maternity leave allows. I find myself begging God to allow it to happen. To allow this desire of my heart to be fulfilled, and each day that passes, and no means for me to stay home appears, I become even more anxious. It is a vicious circle, that I never in a million years thought I would experience. I thought I’d be okay with living my “adult life” away from my child. And no, I know that being a SAHM is not easy, and it is not always rainbows and sunshine, that those moms deal with their own issues and feelings. But, I feel like it is what me and my baby and my husband need right now.
This morning I read this in Jesus Calling, and I just hope and pray that these words sink into my heart and allow me some peace over this situation that I have no control over…
Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert my sovereignty is in the timing of events.
I have to trust. I have to believe that God has us in the palm of His hands and knows what is best for us. I have to believe that the childcare He has provided for us is wonderful and Landon will be in the best care ever. I have to believe that His plan is in motion, it I just taking longer than I wanted. I have to believe.