Monday, April 16, 2012

that little booger called guilt

I have read so many posts and articles during my pregnancy and since having Landon regarding the whole stay at home mom versus working mom debate. Prior to going back to work I really battled with the idea of being away from Landon. John and I looked into ways for me to possibly cut back hours and have more time with him, but ultimately we decided it was best if I stayed full time in my job at the hospital. The first few weeks of work, I felt great. I was running on adrenaline, I had it in my mind that I could do this. I could have the energy to give my everything at the hospital for twelve hours, and come home and keep my energy for my baby and husband. And I have. But I’ll share a secret….

I’ve been back to work for a month now, and I. am. tired.
It’s sinking in that this is my new norm, and its hard. However, I like to believe that I can do it all. (Even if that’s not really true).

I am realizing that I am a caregiver 24/7. At work I am a caregiver to five patients and help them with everything from things as simple as a puzzle to things as serious as chemotherapy, biopsies, and test results. I come home and I am a caregiver. I walk in the door and immediately take my son, feed him, change him and put him to bed. And then after all that is said and done I try to spend some quality time with my husband before turning into bed.

I am hitting  a point in motherhood where I NEED some alone time.
 I need just a couple hours to do absolutely nothing if I so choose. I am sure you other mommies out there relate to this fully, and even non mommies, at some point we just reach a point where we need a quick break.

And then that little booger called guilt creeps in.

I hate that word. And even more so I hate that emotion. But nevertheless, it is something I deal with.

As much as I would love some alone time, I can’t help but feel guilty for leaving Landon more than I really have to. I leave him all day for three days a week while I work, and it tears me up that I would have to leave him again in order for me to have that time. I am worried I will miss something, or miss him. When I go to work I miss him like crazy, so why would I drop him off when I could have him all to myself? And If John watches him, then I am missing out on family time we could have. I hate to leave him anymore than I already do, and I love every single second that I can spend with him, and so I feel guilty for wanting time to myself. Not to mention I’m sure the whole time I am away from him I would be consumed with when I get to pick him up or see him again.

So that’s where I’m at, I’m at the point where I love my child so much and don’t want to be away from him for a single second…but at the same time desperately need some time to myself.

How do you experienced momma’s balance time with your children, work, time for your marriage, and time for yourself?

I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

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Until then, today I will love my child, try to sneak a few minutes of peace during his nap, and enjoy the fact that I am so blessed by my son and husband.

Happy Monday!

3 comments:

  1. This working mom thing is no joke. And I've found over the last 9 months of working full time and being a mom and wife is that some weeks are easy (comparatively) and others are awful. Needing those couple hours to yourself is tough to grasp because you want to be with your little one. But I quickly realized I'm a better, happier mom and wife when I take those couple hours for me. Don't feel guilty, you are human! And this working mom gig truly is exhausting. My sweet husband has taken on more of the household chores when he realized I just didn't have time for everything anymore. And this little thing has helped out in major ways!

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  2. I am obviously reading these posts backwards, haha. Unfortunately I am absolutely no help in this area. I am home with A all day long and STILL have a hard time getting time away. Part of it is that I have no real support or people who will gladly take him off my hands for a few hours. If my mom wanted to do that, I would be all for it. I just can't bear to leave him if the person watching him isn't excited about it, ya know? But I also know that this is something that will get easier as he gets older. Soon enough I will be wishing he would stay home and hang out with me more I am sure ;)

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  3. First of all - your adorable! Look how great you look! And your little guy is totally precious.

    We have 5 children, and I'm with them all day long. We homeschool... so, in a kind of sort of way, you could say I work from home. I work, regardless of how it gets labelled. I work a lot. And, yes, I feel guilty when I need time alone, but I do need it. Or, I guess I should say I *sometimes* feel guilty. The only thing that has worked consistently for me has been a set "Mama Night". But, here's the crucial part for me. It had to come after a very real, honest, tear-fest, heart to heart with my husband about the priority of this need. I told him how much I needed *him to tell me* that he wanted me to have time alone. That it was best for our family. Our kids. Our marriage. I need him to basically want it for me. It's taken more than a few of those conversations, really. And we keep having them. Reassessing. But, if I feel like I'm demanding the time alone or selfishly "taking" it... it's just not refreshing to me. It's a waste. And the guilt creeps in. So, I'd encourage you to talk with your husband. Be proactive. Make time for one another to help one another rest and recharge now and then. And then do it :) Have Mama Time because you love your guys and you want to love them even better.

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