Sunday, October 6, 2013

grace for the working mama

Here I sit, Sunday morning, cup of coffee in hand. The windows are opened throughout the house. John’s cooking bacon and homemade biscuits and Landon’s playing in the living room. It is here I remember that this is why I went to a job that didn’t require working weekends. I needed that balance in my life, I needed the consistency of being home at the same time everyday, dropping Landon off in the morning, and knowing I wouldn’t miss out on any holiday memories. It was one of the best decisions I made for myself, and my family. I don’t regret the decision I made to say goodbye to long twelve hour shifts, weekends, holidays, and a forty five minute commute.

Some days I feel like I have this working mama thing down pat.I’ve been in my new position for a year next month, and most of the time I feel like I’ve finally gotten the hang of my new routine. Some weeks, I manage to cook, clean, go grocery shopping while pacifying a fussy toddler, and work a full time job without missing a beat. But sometimes, I find myself feeling like a complete failure who is about to become an insane lady if I have to pick up one more toy or cook one more supper. Its a funny little cycle I go through. Just about the time I start feeling good about it all, I’m grounded back to reality that I am not capable of this on my own. It takes a conscious effort to wake up each and everyday, seeking His grace to make it through. To parent with grace, to care for my patients with grace, and love with grace. And lately, I’ve become even more aware of that.

It also takes me realizing that I am not superwoman. I need time to myself. I need downtime. I have long been a person that needs “alone time.” Growing up my parents recognized this and would leave me be when I needed that time. In college, I lived by myself for a year and after a long day of clinics I could be found curled up on the couch watching the latest Grey’s Anatomy episode, perfectly content to be in the silence of my own space. Now as a mom, those moments are few and far between. And every once in a while, when I feel like I’m about to lose it, I know that all I need is some time to myself. I need peace, and quiet, and time to hear my thoughts instead of only hearing my never ending to-do list. I need time to be still. To process and take life in, instead of constantly doing. I need to spend time playing outside with Landon without worrying about what cleaning isn’t getting done, or laundry isn’t getting folded.

It begins again everyday, relying on His graces. Relying on His strength to keep on trucking when I’m pretty sure all I want to do is take a nap…for like twelve hours. To find balance in a life that really doesn’t offer much balance.

I’m don’t have the answers, and I don’t have this whole motherhood thing down pat.  But I do know that recognizing my intense need for His hand in my life makes it a little more bearable. 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 has always been one of my favorite verses, and really reminds me that when I boast, I boast in His grace. I boast in His strength.  This precious little life that He has blessed me with is all him, not me. And it doesn’t matter how hard I try and manage it all- its not up to me, its in His hands.

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 The Message
 
So, how do I find balance in it all? I simply learn to say no. To say that going to the park is more important than vacuuming. That playing play doh with Landon is more important than any cleaning I could do. That sometimes pizza is just what’s for dinner…because its easy. I learn to give myself a break. Show myself some grace. And realize that no mom can possibly do it all. And that’s perfectly okay.

I am perfectly imperfect, and that’s okay.





1 comment:

  1. I needed to read this today! thanks for sharing!~

    ReplyDelete

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