Tuesday, February 9, 2016

back to work

Yesterday was my first day back to work at the cancer center since having Avery. It went really well, and as hard as it is to leave your baby at home- I needed time out of the house, and needed to feel like something other than a milk source, maid, cook, etc. Whats even better? I'm not going back to work full time! I am so excited and thankful that I was able to make a change from being a full time nurse to a PRN position, which means that I will have more time at home with Landon and Avery, and only work one or two days a week. I guess I fall into some weird category of working mom and stay at home mom both, depends on the day. 

When I went back to work after having Landon, I really struggled with leaving him. It never felt "right" and I never really got used to it. The twelve hour shifts and 45 minute commute wore on me, and I felt like I spent my days off recovering from working such long hours and waking up so early. I was waking up at 4:30 so I'd have time to pump and get ready for work and get to the hospital by 6:30. It was a level of exhaustion I didn't know existed.

I was unhappy, and quickly started searching for new jobs. I needed something that would allow me to be a nurse and a mom, because both are important to me. Deep in my heart I just new I needed to make a change. I applied for several positions and I even interviewed and was offered a new position at a different hospital. I turned it down because something about it just didn't feel right. I feel like I very clearly heard the Lord telling me to wait, that He had it under control and had a plan. As hard as it was and as much doubt as I may have had,  I knew I needed to wait for God to open the door and show me which way was best for me and for my family.

A few months later, an former coworker of mine contacted me about a clinic position not far from our home. It was the answered prayer I was hoping for. Just before Landon turned one, I changed jobs and transferred to the cancer center here in Lexington. I went from working three twelve hour shifts to working normal 8:30-5 hours with half days on Fridays, no weekends and no holidays. It was such a needed, and great change for us. I was able to drop Landon off in the mornings and pick him up in the afternoons. I was home every night and didn't miss bedtime or bath time like I did when I worked at the hospital. And every single weekend was free to spend as a family. I still cannot get over how the Lord provided for us and made that happen.

Fast forward to this past November and we welcomed Avery. I knew I wanted to make a change, yet again. I wanted to be at home more, but also wanted to continue working and keeping my skills and knowledge up to date. I love my job, I love being an oncology nurse, and I also really love my kids and want to be there for every moment I can with them. After three years working in the clinic, they graciously agreed to let me go to PRN/as needed. My goal will be to work one day a week, more if I can, and less if I can't. The rest of the time I  am with my kids, at home, where I have always wanted to be. It truly is the best of both worlds. I get to love my patients and still be in a job that I love, while being a stay at home mom. Can I tell you how incredibly lucky I feel? There really aren't words to say how grateful I am that the Lord perfectly orchestrated my life for me. He saw the big picture when I didn't, he knew Avery would exist before I did. He opened the right doors at exactly the right moments when I needed it, and I didn't even know it at the time. I get to volunteer and be at Landon's preschool activities. I get to be home for these fleeting days that Avery is a baby, and I also still keep my foot in the nursing world and oncology. He is good.

Sometimes in life the Lord works in ways that you really can't do anything but sit back and smile over. He knows our hearts and our desires so much better than we think. And He is constantly working for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28), those who have faith in what He is doing, and who ultimately trust that He's got it. And I love that. All the tears I shed and prayers I spoke were not unheard. I'm not going to pretend that I was perfect throughout this entire process. I cried and doubted and sometimes flat out wondered if God even heard a word I was saying. But He did... 

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